Now, time for some fun... Enjoy!! :-)

Osho Mulla Nasruddin Jokes

During a religious meeting an attractive young widow leaned too far over the balcony and fell, but her dress caught on a chandelier and held her impended in mid-air. The preacher, of course, immediately noticed the woman’s predicament and called out to his congregation:

”The first person who looks up there is in danger of being punished with blindness.” Mulla Nasrudin, who was in the congregation whispered to the man next to him, ”I Think I will Risk one Eye".

-----------------------------------

The boss was asked to write a reference for Mulla Nasrudin whom he was dismissing after only oneweek’s work. He would not lie, and he did not want to hurt the Mulla unnecessarily. So he wrote: ”to whom it may concern: mulla nasrudin worked for us for one week, and We are satisfied.”

-----------------------------------

A patent medicine salesman at the fair was shouting his claims for his Rejuvenation Elixir. ”If you don’t believe the label, just look at me,” he shouted. ”I take it and I am 300 years old.”

”Is he really that old?” asked a farmer of the salesman’s young assistant, Mulla Nasrudin.

"I really don’t know,” Said Nasrudin. ”you see, i have only been with him for 180 years.”

-----------------------------------

Mulla Nasrudin complained to the health department about his brothers. ”I have got six brothers,” he said. ”We all live in one room. They have too many pets. One has twelve monkeys and another has twelve dogs. There’s no air in the room and it’s terrible! You have got to do something about it.”

”Have you got windows?” asked the man at the health department.

”Yes,” said the Mulla.

"Why don’t you open them?” he suggested.

”What?” yelled Nasrudin, ”and lose all my pigeons?”

-----------------------------------

The young lady had said she would marry him, and Mulla Nasrudin was holding her tenderly. ”I wonder what your folks will think,” he said. ”Do they know that I write poetry?”

”Not yet, Honey,” she said. ”i have told them about your drinking and gambling, but i thought i’d better not tell them everything at once.”

-----------------------------------

”And are mine the only lips, Mulla, you have kissed?” asked she.

”Yes,” said Nasrudin, ”and they are the sweetest of all.”

-----------------------------------

”What made you quarrel with Mulla Nasrudin?”

”Well, he proposed to me again last night.”

”Where was the harm in it?”

”My dear, i had accepted him the night before.”

-----------------------------------

"What do you want with your old letters?” the girl asked her ex-boyfriend, Mulla Nasrudin. ”I have given you back your ring. Do you think I am going to use your letters to sue you or something?”

”Oh, No,” said Nasrudin, ”it’s not that. I paid a fellow twenty-five dollars to write Them for me and I may want to use them over again.”

-----------------------------------

Mulla Nasrudin said to his girlfriend. ”What do you say we do something different tonight, for a change?”

”O.K.,” she said. ”What do you suggest?”

”You try to kiss me,” said Nasrudin, ”and I will slap your face!”

-----------------------------------

Mulla Nasrudin finally spoke to his girlfriend’s father about marrying his daughter. ”It’s a mere formality, I know,” said the Mulla, ”but we thought you would be pleased if I asked.”

”And where did you get the idea,” her father asked, ”that asking my consent to the marriage was a mere formality?”

”Naturally, From Your Wife, Sir,” said Nasrudin.

-----------------------------------

Mulla Nasrudin complained to the doctor about the size of his bill. ”But, Mulla,” said the doctor, ”You must remember that I made eleven visits to your home for you.”

”YES,” said Nasrudin, ”but you seem to be forgetting that i infected the whole Neighbourhood.”

-----------------------------------

Mulla Nasrudin and his wife went to visit a church that had over the portal the inscription: ”This is the house of God – This is the gate of Heaven.”

Nasrudin glanced at these words, tried the door and found it locked, turned to his wife and said: ”In Other Words Go to Hell!”

-----------------------------------

Mulla Nasrudin told his little boy to climb to the top of the step-ladder. He then held his arms openand told the little fellow to jump. As the little boy jumped, the Mulla stepped back and the boy fell flat on his face.

”That’s to teach you a lesson,” said Nasrudin. ”don’t ever trust anybody, even if It is your own father.”

-----------------------------------

”You sold me a car two weeks ago,” Mulla Nasrudin said to the used-car salesman.

”Yes, Sir, I remember,” the salesman said.

”Well, tell me again all you said about it then,” said Nasrudin. ”I am getting Discouraged".

-----------------------------------

Mulla Nasrudin and his wife were sitting on a bench in the park one evening just at dusk. Without knowing that they were close by, a young man and his girl friend sat down at a bench on the other side of a hedge.

Almost immediately, the young man began to talk in the most loving manner imaginable.

”He does not know we are sitting here,” Mulla Nasrudin’s wife whispered to her husband. ”It sounds like he is going to propose to her. I think you should cough or something and warn him.”

”Why should I warn him?” asked Nasrudin. ”Nobody warned me.”

-----------------------------------

”You sure look depressed,” a fellow said to Mulla Nasrudin. ”What’s the trouble?”

”Well,” said the Mulla, ”you remember my aunt who just died. I was the one who had her confined to the mental hospital for the last five years of her life.

When she died, she left me all her money. Now i have got to prove that she was of Sound mind when she made her will six weeks ago.”

=================================

Is this Love?

Nancy was having coffee with Helen.

Nancy asked, "How do you know your husband loves you?"

"He takes out the garbage every morning."

"That's not love. That's good housekeeping."

"My husband gives me all the spending money I need."

"That's not love. That's generosity."

"My husband never looks at other women."

"That's not love. That's poor vision."

"John always opens the door for me."

"That's not love. That's good manners."

"John kisses me even when I've eaten garlic and I have curlers in my hair."

"Now, that's love."

========================

For the love of Food

I am Edward. I am a human being. I used to eat chicken for breakfast, lunch and dinner and when I got hungry in the middle of the night. But I became a vegetarian. I vowed not to eat chicken any more. In fact, I go to school with a flock of chicken and pretend to be a chicken myself.

One day, this extraordinary chicken waltzed into my class! It smelled just like Butter Chicken Masala. I was overcome with hunger. It started looking like a barbecued chicken, so enticing, so inviting. But at the same time, I was terribly attracted to it too! I had all these feelings I couldn’t understand. Let’s just say, chicken breast started meaning more than just a sandwich to me. I was confused. Testosterone and hunger fought for control over my body. I wanted to kiss its delicate wing, make sandwich out of it, cuddle it and whisper Chicken-65 recipe softly into its ear.

The chicken had uncontrollable attraction for me too. What can I say, chicks dig me. I tried to persuade her to leave me. I confessed my hunger for her. I explained to her the various senses of the sentence, “I want to poke my hot iron into you.” She wouldn’t relent. She had dreams of marrying me and laying my eggs. When the love story between us was cooking, another human laid his eyes on my chicken. He wanted it for a dinner date, where the date becomes dinner. I protected my feathered friend and made it mine.

I implored it to leave town, find greener pastures; I didn’t want to clip its wings. But it decided to abandon all its family for a human it knew for about 2 months and stay with me. Now I know why they call it chicken brain. We were a happy couple. Rest of the story is for birds. (Reserve your DVD copy today!)

=================================================

You see what I mean...

Anybody who has a husband or a boyfriend or some other form of commitment-phobic, responsibility-fearing human partner, knows that anything he says has an ulterior motive. Every women is born with a natural ability see through the intentions but chooses to be patient and forgiving for the sake of a peaceful relationship. Just in case of doubt, here are some common scenarios and how to handle them.

What he says: Hey we should cook more balanced meals, with more vegetables and Omega3s

What it means: In a rare fit of inquisitiveness, he read a health article on CNN

How to handle it: Just ignore. It will pass in a few days.

------------------------

What he says: I think the leaky faucet points to a deep rooted problem with how our plumbing is laid out and the net pressure of the water in the pipes.

What it means: He has no idea how to replace the faucet and is too proud to admit it.

How to handle it: Call a plumber and get it fixed. Search on Amazon for books with topic, “How not to turn every small thing in life into a macho pride thing”.

------------------------

What he says: The engine is making rattling noises, let me see what’s going on under the hood

What it means: He wants you to believe that he knows what the hell is under the hood, even though the only thing he can name there is the dipstick.

How to handle it: Have pity and pretend to believe him. Just gently request him not to actually try to repair anything in there.

------------------------

What he says: I prefer to watch unrated versions of movies because they show the true vision of the director

What it means: He knows unrated versions have more nudity

How to deal with it: Because he is not particularly interested in the nudity anyway, use the nude scenes as an opportunity to discuss the true vision of the director in the movie.

------------------------

What he says: How does my shirt look?

What it means: Shirt is just a decoy to take your attention off the fact that he didn’t wash his jeans in two weeks.

How to handle it: Tell him he looks completely out of shape in what he is wearing. He will change the whole wardrobe immediately. In fact, he will do anything to look toned other than exercising.

------------------------

What he says: This year, for anniversary gifts, let’s give each other something we both can use

What it means: He wants to give *you* the Play Station Personal *he* always wanted to buy

How to handle it: In the same spirit, gift him a nice pair of Manolos

------------------------

What he says: OH MY GOD! I can’t find anything in the house. My life is ruined. Why me? Why now?

What it means: He can’t find his towel

How to handle it: Remind him it’s exactly where he left it. On the carpet, next to his closet. Ask him if he knows what “Drama Queen” means.

------------------------

What he says: Honey, why don’t we go to the mall

What it means: He saw some exciting lingerie in Victoria’s Secret catalog which you will never buy on your own. He intends to casually walk by it and suggest that you buy it.

How to handle it: Get hold of the catalog and figure out what he has in mind. It should be easy. It’s the one with smallest surface area. Now go to Victoria’s Secret with him. Pick up the item before he gets a chance and say, “Look at this! What kind of pervert would want to see his wife in this!” Enjoy the rest of the shopping.

------------------------

What he says: Ohmigod, look at tech stocks! They are such a bargain!

What it means: He, again, convinced himself that he is a stock market whiz-kid

How to handle it: Don’t panic. First change the password on his E*Trade account. Then make him sit and write “I won’t gamble with stocks” as many times as the dollars he lost in stocks this year.

------------------------

================================================== ==================================================

There was once a millionaire CEO who, while on a lone yachting expedition across the Atlantic, got his yacht smashed up in a thunderstorm, floated for a fortnight living on molasses, till one day, half dead already, he floats ashore on a completely isolated island in the middle of nowhere, when he sees an amazingly seductive super-model of a woman, wearing palm leaves, walk over to him. She smiles at him, tells him how she also is a shipwreck living alone on the island. She then guides him to her awesome tree home, gives him delicious water, vegetarian food and fruits to eat, new clothes made out of super-fashionable leaves, provides him a top quality razor made out of animal bone to shave his overgrown beard, shows him her utopian teakwood bathroom, which even has a shower for him made out of bamboo sticks with coconut water pouring out! The CEO’s over the moon! Freshened up, he comes out of the bathroom to see her lying down on her super sized banyan bed, dressed in a very tasteful sarong, when she whispers, “Guess what more I can provide to you!” He thinks for a moment, and then his eyes light up like crazy, and he screams in pleasure, “Don’t tell me you have email too!!!”

======================================

Pieracki, a Polack, Odum, a black, and Alvarez, a Mexican, were out of work and living together. Pieracki came home one night and announced he had got a job. "Hey, fellas, wake me up tomorrow at six," he said. "I have to be at work by six-thirty!" While Pieracki slept, Odum said to Alvarez, "He got a job because he is white. We can't get one because I am black and you are brown." So during the night they put shoeblack all over Pieracki. Then they agreed to wake him late. Next morning when Pieracki arrived at work, the foreman said, "Who are you?" "You hired me yesterday," he replied. "You told me to be here at six-thirty!" "I hired a white man -- you're black!" "I'm not!" "Yes, you are! Go and look in the mirror!" The Polack rushed over to the mirror, looked at himself and exclaimed, "My God! They woke up the wrong man!"

======================================

Banducci, Sullivan and Piwalski, traveling together in Mexico, got drunk and killed a Mexican. All three were sentenced to the electric chair. First they sat Banducci down and asked him if he had any last words. "I am a dentist," said the Italian, "and I will care for everyone in the village for twenty-five years if you will let me go." The authorities refused and the executioner proceeded to carry out the sentence. He pulled the switch and nothing happened. "By law," said the executioner, "the Italian is a free man, because the electric chair did not work." Then the Irishman sat down. The same question was asked. "I am a doctor," said Sullivan, "and I would care for the villagers for twenty-five years in exchange for my freedom." Again the answer was no. The switch was pulled and nothing happened. He went free. Then Piwalski sat down. He was asked if he had any last words. "I am a graduate in electrical engineering from Texas A & M," said the Polack, "and if you put that white wire in that hole, and the red wire in that hole..."

======================================

A housewife adorned with a head full of curlers, puffy eyes, no make-up, covered in a tatty old dressing-gown and worn-out furry slippers runs out of the house with the garbage just as the garbage truck is about to move on. She rushes up to the truck and, panting, asks the garbage man, "Am I too late?" "No, ma'am, just jump right in!"

======================================

An Indian went to Singapore to buy a video. He went into a shop and asked, "What is the price of this video near the window?" The seller answered, "Sorry sir, we don't sell to Indians." The Indian went back to his hotel and dressed in his best clothes. Back at the shop, again he asked, "What is the price of this video near the window?" To his dismay, the seller replied, "Sorry sir, we don't sell to Indians." The Indian went back to his hotel and dressed in Western-style clothes -- shorts, T-shirt, sunglasses. Returning again to the shop, the Indian was most upset to receive the same answer to his enquiry. In exasperation he asked, "How do you know that I'm an Indian?" "Oh," said the seller, "that's easy. The machine near the window is not a video, it is a washing machine."

======================================

Mulla Nasrudin’s servant rushed into the room and cried, ”Hurry your husband is lying unconscious in the hall beside a large round box with a piece of paper clutched in his hand.” ”How Exciting,” said Mulla Nasrudin’s wife, ”My Fur Coat Has Come.”

======================================

The psychiatrist leaned back and placed the tips of his fingers together while he soothed the deeply-troubled man who stood before him. "Calm yourself, my good fellow," he gently urged. "I have helped a great many others with fixations far more serious than yours. Now, let me see if I understand the problem correctly. You indicate that in moments of great emotional stress you believe that you are a dog. A fox terrier, is that not so?" "Yes, sir," mumbled the patient. "A small fox terrier with black and brown spots. Oh, please tell me you can help me, doctor. If this keeps up much longer, I don't know what I'll do...." The doctor gestured toward the couch. "Now, now," he soothed, "the first thing to do is lie down here, and we'll see if we can't get to the root of your delusion." "Oh, I couldn't do that, doctor," said the patient. "I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

======================================